I remember reading in Psych 101 – the way the mother relates to her children (and the world during their growth) has a profound affect on the development of personality, sociability and adaptivity. I’ve always been concerned that I would grow up to be like my mother – though I love her to death, I could do without some of her personality characteristics.

My dad always said I had her looks and my sister got her temperament. However, it’s inevitable – with some of the trials I’ve faced, I find myself reacting in the ways my mother might… if she was me (the calm, even-keel of my dad, infused with the flash-fire temperament of my mother). I’m not saying my mother’s personality is anything to be ashamed of – she’s a wonderful person, but I want to be ME, not her.

We talk about the ways we are like our moms… and the ways we wished to break the mold. The first step towards change is understanding the problem. I went and scoured the internet for some sliver of information on how not to become your mother – how to realize your identity and break out from her mold. Not many daughters, it seems, want to be their mothers.

I want to mention this book – the reviews look interesting:
“This pioneering book by the author of Women on Top plays a major role in our understanding of the powerful influence the mother/daughter bond has on a woman’s identity, her relationships with men, and her self-esteem…
Her writings argue that women have often been reared under an ideal of womanhood which was outdated and restrictive, and largely unrepresentative of many women’s true inner lives, and that openness about women’s hidden lives could help free women to truly feel able to enjoy being themselves. She asserts that this is not due to deliberate malice, but due to social expectation, and that for women’s and men’s benefit alike it is healthier that both be able to be equally open, participatory and free to be accepted for who and what they are.”

It sounds rather poigniant. I feel like, in some areas, I have not fully cultivated self esteem. I sometimes balk when I find myself ruminating, overthinking, re-hashing (obsessing?). I strive to find my true identity, yet I am aghast when my identity runs too closely to my mom’s.

This book noted that the gender roles and social adaptation between our generation and our parents’ are completely different because of the era they grew up in. In our mothers’ cases the 50′s were restrictive (sexually and “children should be seen and not heard”), the 60′s were the step forward from that, though not nearly as liberated (but hail the onset of the miniskirt!), the 70′s were salacious and liberating (but some women/families shunned the lascivious ideas of the 70′s), the 80′s (where I started) were the struggle for power and liberation (power dressing, women realizing the glass ceiling)… As daughters, we grow up with a huge influence from our mothers, but we must realize that our mothers views and values may no longer be applicable in OUR generation and age. These views may so outdated that part of the solution is the ability to separate the era we live in from the ones our mothers grew up in. Things that may not have been acceptable in their era – such as the willingness to admit we are sexual creatures, tattoos, living together before marriage – are not so taboo.

To fully realize the distinction between our ideas and our mothers’ ideas, it may be helpful to recognize the ways in which we are individual and ways that we are free to express individuality.

Another article on parents and individuality stated that many people walk paths that they feel their parents have prescribed for them – the drive towards marriage, the push to have a certain career path, or go to certain schools. We begin to hide things from our parents because of the guilt of not fulfilling our parents’ expectations. This may happen subconsciously – and the solution here is to become open and honest with our parents. If you don’t want to become a nurse or don’t want to go to a certain school, it’s easiest to just say so.

Some of my worry is that if I simply say what I really think or feel, I will be in some way punished or disfavored for it. It’s hard to realize our mothers’ love is not conditional like that. If our parents choose to neglect us (or shut off contact) because we choose to speak the truth about our beliefs and feelings, it might be important to ask ourselves if this is REALLY the sort of influence we need in life. Life is easier when you are free to speak and act in ways that are true to yourself.

An article I found on enlightenment said that we must remember – our mothers are people just like us, who made mistakes and who are walking the same types of paths we are. The author says: “If we can step back and resist being negative and critical, we can start to see their value and begin to forgive.” This is applicable both to the way we act towards our mothers and the way we act towards ourselves. I feel that my mother may have been overly critical and negative at times, and as a result, I feel I struggle with some of the same emotions. I constantly remind myself that I am not my mother and I strive to not be overly critical, pessimistic or harsh when looking at situations. As she is sometimes prone rumination, so I have been. One step towards conquering that has been to stop, take a step back and a deep breath and realize that what happens, happens.

The most comprehensive article I found on this topic simply says that we need to take a look at the deep-seated beliefs we carry on from our parents. The most compelling passage is this:

“Most people are aware of this on a surface level — we know that our parents have an influence on us when growing up — but few people stop to take a closer look at the deeper seated beliefs and ideas that we inherit from our parents’ view of the world. Mostly it is because these beliefs are instilled in us from a very early age, and so we simply don’t realize that there’s another way of seeing things. Our perception is limited to what we think is reality, and only as it begins to crack or wobble are we prompted to question its validity.

Even if you had a loving childhood, and even if you have a wonderful relationship with your parents today, you will probably find it none the less beneficial to have a look at these beliefs. If you are not fully at peace within yourself, and very few people are, chances are you will find it liberating to investigate your relationship with your parents, however supportive they were during your childhood. Hardly anyone in the world is completely free of social conditioning, and being aware of these primordial unconscious beliefs about ourselves and the world is important. Unconscious negative beliefs vary greatly in intensity, and the more subtle ones are usually the most difficult to become aware of because their manifestations in o

ur lives will be so far removed from the underlying belief.”

As daughters, a good portion of or beliefs and temperaments are mother-based, since that is who we identify with growing up, through social conditioning.

The point of this little tirade is that, to be ourselves, individually – to not be like our mothers – we must realize who we are, we must realize who they are and we must realize how that relationship has affected us. (This applies specifically to our mothers, but also may apply to the many matriarchal figures we encounter during our lives.) Once we understand the nature of our relationship with our mothers, we will start to understand how we have adapted certain personality traits to fit into our nature. Once we recognize the personality traits that don’t fit who we are as individuals and why, we can take steps to eradicate that sort of trait through practice. If our mothers have archaic views of sex, we will be able to realize who we are as sexual beings, and that sex isn’t something to be feared. We will be able to explore that experience and ourselves to create a set of views that is ours alone. It may be hard at first, and easier to do through constant journaling and self-monitoring, but in the end, the identity we realize for ourselves is well worth it. It’s a shame we are only now getting around to this process.

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