The I in Relationship
Relationship-land is an amazing place. We discover so much about a person in such a short amount of time – the result of which can be intrinsically fascinating. We fall into a pattern of close connection; the other person becomes our world and a measure by which we view our good traits and our faults. Through this, it’s easy to lose ourselves (especially, it seems, as women) in the relationship. We get such amazing endorphins from this other person that we constantly seek out that stimulation to keep ourselves “high” on love. The important parts of ourselves sometimes go overlooked and we often discover we’ve overlooked friends, hobbies, and important “Secret Single Behaviors” that made us who we are.
It can be easy to over-think this little realization to the point where you feel suffocated, even in the best relationship. The trick is to make sure your relationship both fosters your independence, and helps you grow in your coupledom. It’s important, during those first stages of dating, to resist the urge to latch on to each other like siamese twins (and this is true of new friends, your job, etc), and to spend time doing you-things. Schedule time, during your week, to spend some time reading in bed, or to go out with your girl friends. Take some time to list out your “Secret Single Behaviors”, and write them into your planner. If you’re at his place every night but Tuesday, you’re probably going to burn out that “honeymoon phase” pretty quickly. It leaves no magic and wonder to the imagination, and the most fun part of being in a relationship is that magic and wonder that enchants you when it comes to someone else.
When it comes to the end of that honeymoon phase, we’re often hit with a jolt: “Is this REALLY what I want?” That’s the moment where you still REALLY love the person you’re with, but you realize it’s okay to look at the scenery. After all, that scenery can play a vital role in reminding you how wonderful your beau is. You may have a sense of confidence now – “If this person wants me, other people want me” or have feelings that the grass is greener, there are other fish, and so on. Think about your relationship, at this point; are you both growing independently and together, while maintaining your sense of self? Maybe you’ve spent just too much time together and NEED that other social intereaction and individual experience. That’s okay. A healthy relationship is one where you can be together, and you can be independent. Of course, you need to be able to discern your need for individuality from OTHER relationship problems you may have, but often, feeling stifled or suffocated is a lack of individualism.
Make sure to make time for yourself and your OWN activities in whatever you sign up for – whether it’s a relationship, school, work, etc. Those individual experiences build who you are, and are super important to your personal development. Relationships help us define ourselves by the characteristics we adore in our partners, but shouldn’t be our only mode of growth.
Related posts:
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
I think so many women fall prey to this, especially in teenage years. I had a friend in high school who would be completely absorbed in her boyfriend as soon as they started dating, and then immediately move on to the next guy when she was bored and become equally absorbed in him.
There’s a lot to be said for the honeymoon period, but I like the post-honeymoon period even better, I think.
All of the magic & wonderment, with less worrying about what you’re saying and doing.
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..Daily Outfit + Shopping Recap =-.
Oh, man. I seriously think there was something wrong with me when I met Chris. I literally hurt in my heart being away from him. At least I wasn’t alone, he felt the same way but GAWD I wouldn’t go through that again for all the tea in China.
Great post! I have always kept my individuality in relationships but probably not so much when I was younger… What I need to keep in check when I’m in relationship-land is my controlling behaviour. Not to try and control my boyfriend eee the worst I don’t DIRECTLY try and control him but the outcome or sometimes I can be a bit of a control freak. It is good to always keep a check on yourself
Even when you’re married with children and middleage. You always need friends
x
What a truly insightful post. I think that the message also rings true to a certain extent for friendships – sometimes we find ourselves giving an unreasonable amount to a friend and not necessarily looking after number one.
.-= Amelia M´s last blog ..What’s the time, Mr Wolf? 5 favourite watches. =-.
@Michelle – this is true – the post honeymoon period is wonderful.
@Hayden – Some of that can be really good… but too much of that… I don’t know that I’d *like* hurting that bad if Mister went somewhere without me.
@Katie – Oooh… and that can be part of the independence thing.
@Amelia – That is so true. New friends, Old friends… Work situations, etc. It can happen in ANY circumstance.
Thanks for your replies, punkins! Truly insightful!
I didn’t, I thought I was crazy! I’m all about the i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-c-e (do you know what I mean?
) so I was just completely floored by it.
.-= Hayden Tompkins´s last blog ..The Magic of Having Your Own Transformers =-.
@Hayden – oh definitely… And he turned out to be *theone*, which is AWESOME!